Inspired by the example of the generous Hamptons-based design firm which is now offering its stagings service at a discounted price to current/former/soon to be former Bear Stearns employees (staging is cleaning and prepping a house to be shown for sale), I have decided to offer a discount on sessions to all current/former/soon to be former Bear Stearns employees. The discount is equivalent to the current value of a share of Bear Stearns stock. That is to say, $2.
I approached this decision with some trepidation. You see, in my experience finance guys usually want things in their asses. I do not offer anal play on demand. Consequently the majority of my clients are lawyers. I have always believed that the aforementioned fact is why Rapture "it’s rare that we have a session where someone doesn't want something up his butt" NYC is located in Tribeca. They know where their market works.
However, I believe that in times like these we all have to help as we can, and I've decided to go through with my offer. I have come up with the following non anal play scenarios, which I hope will be appealing (I think everyone at Bear Stearns already got fucked up the ass enough this week, anyway):
-domestic service training (useful in preparing for future job as a janitor at Goldman Sachs)
-spanking combined with verbal chastising ("Caused!" -whack- "Sub-prime!" -whack- "Crisis!" -whack- "Very!" -whack- "Very!" -whack- "Naughty!" -whack whack whack-)
-78 cane strokes (number chosen to represent the difference between Bear Stearns' $80 per share book value and the actual current share price of $2)
-interrogation roleplay (I am Coughlin Stoia and you are Bear Stearns. Helpful in preparing for upcoming deposition)
-master/slave roleplay (I am JP Morgan and you are Bear Stearns. Now I own you)
Feel free to post your own suggestions for scenarios as comments, and please forward a link to this post to anyone you know who has been affected. We can all get through this by working together.
I am not yet ready to extend my discount offer to Lehman Brothers employees, but perhaps by the end of the month.
UPDATE: JP Morgan has increased their bid to $10/share, and so I must increase my session discount to $10/hour. You're welcome.
FURTHER UPDATE: I've gotten some calls asking if I'm serious about giving a discount to Bear Stearns employees. I absolutely intend to honor my offer (which is increasingly valuable, up to $10.84 today). You can demonstrate to me that you are a Bear Stearns employee by showing me a company ID card or e-mailing me from a Bear Stearns e-mail address. Please arrive with $300, and I will give you back 10 ones, 3 quarters, a nickel, and four pennies. I will give you the bills and coins one by one and you will thank me for my generosity after the receipt of each.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
In which I give back to the community
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14 comments:
Not quite on point but I can't resist. On the subject of anal play on demand and most of your clients who, like me, are lawyers ...
What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
Occasionally a duck will stick its bill up its ass.
Holy balls this is funny.
You could write for The Onion I swear!
This is most excellent.
I love your sense of humor.
They want anal play on demand ... you're sweet, you're charitable, you're accomodating - you offer ...
- forced interactive (morgan boy does bear boy from behind while you watch , laughing, wearing a Dina McGreevey mask)
@axe
Maybe that can be my next career!
@Anonymous
Thank you.
@advochasty
The Dina mask really makes that scene. Excellent suggestion.
Wow! Thank you for my Laugh of the Day!
My humble suggestion: restrain a Bear Sterns employee so that, despite his struggles, his fingers remain inches away from the computer with which he could sell his BS (pun intended!) stock, as he watches it fall from 57$ to 2$ in 2 days...
@Philber
I like how you think...
On the plus side, your lawyer clients will soon be flush with cash from litigation. You should pocket substantially more than you'll lose on that discount in the coming months.
At least you're looking out for my embattled brethren. You have our thanks.
wow. you know, these days this marketing move might end up working. you've now hit the twitterverse with this one!
@dis
I'm just trying to do the right thing, you know? Glad you appreciate my efforts.
@browntown
It's not a marketing move, it's a joke!
@MVX:
But of course.
Also, just to clear the air for any of your fans or colleagues, we aren't all into ass play. We've simply gotten very used to bending over in the last few months.
@Dis "We've simply gotten very used to bending over in the last few months."
I know, I know, not all of you like that. My condolences.
HAHAHA! MVX, your idea is truly brilliant and generous.
Thanks for the laugh.
@Kate Black
I am glad to be able to bring levity to these dark, dark times. :)
Glad you enjoyed the post!
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